How To Take The Toxic Fights Out Of Your Relationship

Couples fight. And they make up. When two people are living together, disagreements are sometimes normal. But what can and should be avoided are fights which make the relationship toxic. There are fights which when end leave the couple feeling silly and after a big round of laughs, all is forgiven and forgotten. But then there are fights which leave both the partners emotionally drained, driving a wedge between them. Such fights unfortunately tend to have a cascading effect and end up doing more harm than we can imagine. Once toxic words weaken a relationship, it is very hard to cement it back again.

How can we avoid such fights?  It is not that you can control a fight or its outcome. Because there are a lot of variables involved. But what you can do is have certain do's and don't which can help you avoid   getting into a fight which is truly nasty and toxic.

Be Patient

I know it's a cliche. But a patient person can easily avert a potentially disastrous argument. When an agitated person  sees someone calm and composed even after their rants, their agitation cools down and the tension de-escalates to a considerable extent.Say that you love them and  mo matter what they said jut now, you didn't mind anything at all because you understand they are angry about something and it is important to vent out any pent up emotions. Now that they have done that, you are willing to talk and sort things out as you want to help them, not get into a fight. You want to understand what made them angry and you are more than willing to work together so that in future, you can avoid the same situation as a couple.

Do Not Give The Silent Treatment

Many people think the if they can sense a fight brewing, they should clam up and after the other person is tired of a one sided fight, they will stop of their own accord and everything will be back to normal when they cool down. This is a misconception of the worst kind. An angry person almost always takes silence as admission of guilt. Their frustration multiplies and goads them into saying things they would normally won't. Yes it is true that once they cool down, they might apologize. But what about you? Would you forget the hateful things they said in the heat of the moment ?  Just because you didn't open your mouth to gently show them what they are saying is wrong, you might end up hearing a lot of unpleasant things. Would you be able to let go or would you carry a grudge till the next fight?

Don't Be Too Quick To Judge

Remember, a fight is not a situation when someone is in their best behavior.Yes, they might behave in a  different way , but now is not the time to be a judge of characters. This will only worsen things. Many people will disagree with me. But I ask them, how are you like when you are angry? Are you rational, normal self? Of course not. Imagine what if everyone starts judging you after a fight. You would feel that is unfair. Yes, people momentarily lose control.But as a spouse, your duty is to remind them of their actual self and show them that what they did was wrong. But you are ready to forgive them as this is not their nature. Let me be clear at this point that this doesn't include instances of physical abuse or constant mental harassment.

Don't Assume Anything

Clarify. If you hear "I hate you", do not assume your relationship is nearing its end.
"You have changed" doesn't necessarily mean you have lost your appeal and no longer interest your spouse.
"There is no use talking to you" doesn't mean your spouse is saying you are unable to understand him/her.

Talk. Keep the lines of communication open. Ask them what they meant by it after they cool down. This is for your own good. Who wants to carry hurt feelings in their heart based on assumptions. It sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Don't Be Sarcastic

There is absolutely no need to be sarcastic to prove a point when it can be done otherwise. It will feel offensive in the midst of a fight and things may be escalated much more.

Don't Suffer From The Last Word Syndrome

Many people keep arguing just to have the last say in an argument. This is extremely stupid and may lead to a completely new fight. You have to understand that having the last world just satisfies your ego. The other person might be completely frustrated. Remember, it's your husband or wife you are fighting with. If you feel you have to win the fight and argument, then you both lose.

Listen

Yes , you both are angry. But do not forget to listen what your spouse is saying. Do not drown his/her voice by shouting or reacting angrily. Listen as much as you talk. You do want a solution, don't you? Or you are too competitive and foolish?

Do Not Play The Blame Game

Don't be quick to blame your spouse. Don't start highlighting mistakes and failures to gain the upper hand. Remember, if you think your spouse has failed in something, it is not their failure alone, it is the failure of your marriage. Blaming someone during a fight will definitely offend them and as a defensive gesture, they might resort to blaming to. In such a situation, there is very less chance to salvage the situation and end the fight amicably

Remember, in every fight, there is one person who initiates it. I am not saying that person is wrong. Everyone of us , at some point of time, have been that person who starts the fight.  The important thing is to stop the fight from being a negative turning point in your relationship. And yes, have a sense of humor. It has helped a lot of marriages survive. How? Well..I will save that for another day!

The Sanctity Of Marriage

The running joke about a marriage is that how can you spend your whole life with one woman or man when you can't think of eating the same food for the rest of your life? While this line is usually used as a repartee, I can't help thinking how marriage has lost its meaning nowadays. Sometimes, I am tempted to question, what about your parents, country or faith. Do you also get tired of them as well after a time? How can someone be a lifelong football fan but not a fan of the same woman he married? Why not the same man or woman for the whole life when you have the same favorite movie or band or singer the whole life?

While each marriage is different with its own unique imprint, the basic idea is same -  the union of two separate individuals who trust each other so much that they agree to spend the rest of their lives together. But why do some marriages fall apart while others are as strong as ever?

In many ways, the growth of a marriage is like the growth of a tree. You get married, its like planting the seed. You start experiencing your married life, it is like the roots tentatively spreading out and the leaves forming, both to nourish the same plant. The marriage also needs its roots and leaves,else it is going to shrivel out and die. You hit a rough patch in your marriage. It is like the root encountering a boulder. What does the root do ? It circumvents the boulder finding an alternate route . The clouds won't block the sun forever. For a plant to thrive, the soil must be rich. Your mind is like the soil. It should be open, understanding and faithful. Most importantly, it should nurture and hold on to the relationship, like the earth does. If your mind is like a desert, a relationship cannot flourish. Even if a relationship is on the cards, it will be dry and thorny like a cactus.

Animals like gibbons,swans ,turtle doves and albatrosses mate for life. While the albatross is known for flying great distances, it will always return to the same partner for mating. Beavers are one of the best parents as they stay together for kids and both the male and female take active parts in the upbringing of their offsprings. No, I am not trying to sound pessimistic about our race. Nor I am trying to be a moral policeman. Because for every failed marriage, there is also an amazing story of a great marriage. There are many couples who inspire us with their lives. Like Gordon and Norma Yeager. Or John and Ann Bater .

This proves that inherently we are not evil. Then why marriage is like a forbidden thing to some people? Is it because they lack the notion of faithfulness? Surprisingly, when I asked many people off the record, they admitted that it is the temptation to have as many partners as possible, without any strings attached. They want to have the fun and frolic but leave the responsibilities to others.  Basically, such people expect that every relationship should be different, vigorous and energetic and they feel the only way is to not get tied to one but have multiple relationships. They believe in quantity rather than quality. This temptation then manifests into various sub-reasons. Like

• The phobia that marriage will cause you to lose your independence
• The phobia of not able to accept responsibilities
• The phobia of children
• The phobia of sharing one's life with someone else

I believe this is a mental illness. Sure we all have our share of girlfriends, heartbreaks, unsuccessful relationships. But that doesn't mean marriage is doomed to fail. Now such people who do not believe in marriage, do get married at some point due to parental or social pressure. The results are not at all good. They live their married life as a prison sentence and do away with it at the slightest pretext. This is what is destroying the beautiful institution of marriage. This mental illness stops people from believing in the fact that it just takes two people to make a relationship come alive. You can have all the fun and adventures and it will be all the more special with that special person.

Some people say marriage is a mere social formality. They don't need a piece of paper to live with someone and have a beautiful relationship. But don't the same people insist for a formal letter of employment fro their employer, salary slips, bill of purchase etc? I find this reason highly amusing and hypocritical. 

Getting married, getting divorced and remarrying is a trend followed by many celebrities. While its their personal life, the fact that they are public figures followed by millions should impart a sense of responsibility in them. If they advertise and endorse a wild lifestyle, the starstruck followers are sure to get influenced.  

Ultimately, people should realize that marriage is not a contract, it is a recognition that you love and respect the other person and willing to show your feelings to the world. Marriage is a significant life event, a promise taken by a couple to go through the ups and downs of life together. Have we become so debauched that the promises we make are just words?